We can all admit that nothing means more or feels better than being loved and liked for who we truly are. However, achieving that is not easy. People are complex. And as much as we try to understand others, we must try to understand ourselves. Below are my thoughts on the 3 key things about people and their complexity that I’d like to share.
PEOPLE & HOW THEY CHANGE
Most people think what they see and what they get when they first get to know someone is who they really are especially in the dating scene. As a matter of fact, no one shows their true skin until you get so close to them that they become very comfortable with you and let loose. Even the most genuine and authentic people still don’t show their vulnerability because it’s not in our nature. We would only show our vulnerability to someone we trust. And in this case, trust has not been established yet. What normally happens is you think the person you’ve gotten to know has changed - changed from what you thought you knew. What actually changed is actually your perception, your expectation, and yourself. Because once you become closer to someone and feel more comfortable with them, you let loose and become more of yourself. You start saying things and doing things you wouldn’t normally do with someone you’re not close to.
Who would be fussy with someone they’ve just met anyway? Who would expect to be deeply cared for and loved by a new friend?
People don’t realize that it’s not the person they’ve met that has changed. But it’s they who don’t understand the nature of things.
PEOPLE & THEIR FLAWS
Everyone wants to be loved for who they truly are. A friend told me that you actually “love” someone if you know that you won’t stop loving that person if something bad happens. You will still accept them for who they are when you find out about his/her flaws or weaknesses that you actually don’t like. For me, I don’t really have any expectations of people I become close to. They are who they are no matter what I discover about them later on. Like it or not, they are who they are. And more often than not, the more perfect someone seems, the better they are at hiding their weaknesses. A lot of personality traits work like Yin & Yang - they balance themselves out. For example, someone who seems arrogant or boastful is actually very insecure inside. Someone who seems humble actually has high self-esteem. So be careful before you form an opinion about someone.
PEOPLE’S ACTIONS VS VALUES
We seem to believe that actions reflect values. However, they do not necessarily go in the same direction. People do things that either go with or go against their values. People say things that either they actually mean or they mean the opposite. You have to see the personality type before analyzing someone’s actions and words.
They say that we are not mind readers. Therefore we should interpret what we hear as how we hear it. However, the message communicated between two people are often misinterpreted. We can’t just interpret things as they are. We have to interpret things as we seek to understand. We have to take in the past, not just the present. Someone’s past shapes up so much of how someone is - how they think, feel, perceive things, encode words, and interpret things. Someone’s values, fear, and priorities in life are to be considered when analyzing or simply interpreting what someone actually means. It’s not just the message itself. It’s not just the sender themselves. It’s also you - you, the receiver, and your past, your values, your fear, and your priority. The message you interpret is very likely to be interpreted differently by someone else. Your interpretation of a message could actually be different from what the sender actually wants you to understand
So as the end of this, I’d like to encourage everyone to seek to understand, have no expectation, and accept people as they are. Because after all, we are all complex. Trying to find someone who interprets things the way we do, someone who’s wired the way we are, is hard. If you have found those people in your life, cherish them. Nothing feels better than being understood by the person we love.