At the end of last year, we did a survey asking you what you’d like to stop doing the most in 2020. We learned that self-doubt and self-criticism is something a lot of you would like to minimize. This brings back to the questions:
"How and when did this thought pattern get developed?"
"How did thisideaplant the seed in our head?’
Nobody is perfect. Our upbringing shaped who we are a lot more than we think. Now that we are adults and are aware of our thought patterns, we can learn to unlock and remove what no longer positively serves us.
The beginning of a transformation starts with recognizing that we need to change. Now let’s dive deep into this. Get your pen and paper ready!
Whether you’re in a relationship, single, or in a complicated situation, I think we can all agree thatworking on our relationship is really working on ourselves.
There’s no other place as intimately challenging as being in a relationship.A relationship is where can heal all of our intimacy, commitment, and abandonment wounds and fears - if we allow ourselves to confront our deepest fears and greatest vulnerabilities.Many of us choose to run. But there comes a point when we’re mature enough to realize that running away doesn’t make anything better. Running away might seem like the right thing to do in the moment, but it doesn’t make us feel fulfilled. We still feel hollow because we run away from our deepest need - our need to be loved.
We all talk about being the best we can be, but what if being our best means being able to manage our worst selves? I believe that we all have our darkness. Personality traits are like yin and yang. Every strength comes with a weakness.The intensity of your strength comes at a cost of the intensity of your weakness.Unless all of your traits are neutral, then you can’t run away from this fact of the human psyche.
If you say you don’t have any darkness within you, it’s probably because of one of the following reasons:
You are oblivious to it.
You don’t know yourself well enough.
You have been hiding it, hiding from it, and avoid facing it by avoiding intimacy.
Running away from our darkness or being oblivious to it is like running away from the truth of life. It is hard to be vulnerable. It is hard to face our weakness. But unless we learn to face it, accept it, and learn to manage it, we cannot become whole. If you live life only facing your light, you will keep feeling like you’re running the show because you’re dismissing another important part of you. When you learn to embrace your whole self, you will be filled with self-love. And it’s a beautiful feeling to live in a constant state of flow.
Do you find that you have many relationship anxieties? Or do you find it hard to open up and let someone in? Part of the reasons is you still have some abandonment issues.
And you can never get rid of your abandonment issues until you heal that wound with your parents around acceptance.
When you can make peace with self-acceptance issues with your parents (whether to heal OR to forgive & move on), that’s when you can feel truly secure within yourself; that’s when you can find true love - the kind of love that truly accepts you for who you are.
Mother’s Day (in many parts of the world) is exactly 5 days from today. I want to share with you a personal story.
I came back to Thailand, my home country, to get a new visa. Due to the pandemic, I am stuck here until further notice. My initial reaction to the lockdown and the closing of borders was probably like many other people’s. I wished I could continue traveling. I wished I was quarantined with a romantic partner. I wished I could still go out to eat and hit the gym. I initially hated the idea of being stuck at home at my mom’s because I kept reminding myself of past childhood memories where I felt like I was being kept in a cage when I wanted to be a free bird who could be her most authentic self without feeling judged.
Now it’s been over 5 weeks since I moved back to my mom’s. During the first 4 weeks, I kept feeling triggered. I kept feeling annoyed with her little complaints. It reminded me why I didn’t want to live at home and why I wanted to move away so badly.
Are anyone’s destructive patterns being triggered during quarantine? Do you find that being at home without outside distraction, you’re falling back into your old addiction or whatever it is that gives you emotional comfort?
Or maybe the current situation is forcing you to live with someone who triggers your old destructive patterns?
Whatever it may be, maybe this is the perfect time to, instead of running away from our shadow, face it head-on.
Since we are socially isolated, we can gear all of our energy towards our darkness, digging through the deepest pain we’ve ever felt within our heart which is usually the trauma and experiences that occurred during childhood.
All our destructive patterns were formed as parts of an escape - an emotional escape from something that caused us far greater pain.Pain comes in many forms - from being abused, neglected, to being controlled. The emotional toll it took on us was far greater than the physical pain itself. Subconsciously we tried to find a way to escape. We tried to find emotional relief. We tried to find our happiness.
The current situation right now is putting everyone into panic mode worldwide. No matter what stage you’re at in dealing with uncertainty, we will get through this together.
Here are the stages that you are likely going through. And as time passes, this will start to make sense to you. I hope this article gives you a heads up on what's to expect even though it might not feel like it right now.